Thursday, January 23, 2014

Buzzard for president

This is a satire piece I wrote for the Bullsheet, a daily informal student publication, in the fall semester of 2012 when the University was looking for a new President. I meant it to be humorous and for entertainment only.

Buzzard is in the lead for next university president

As you know, thanks to the always accurate reporting done by the Denisonian, Denison is looking for a new president. It has been leaked by a board of trustee member that the search has already been narrowed down to two candidates.

“A deer by the name of Libby Doe is a serious candidate. She is a professor of environmental science from Ohio State.” a trustee member said. “She’s a bit timid but seems capable of being very creative and courageous.”

“The other front runner is a local buzzard named, Ziggy. He teaches in the English department at Otterbein. His area of expertise is gothic literature.” said the trustee.

The Board of Trustees is looking for candidates that stand out from a crowd and genuinely care about environmental issues on campus.

Most importantly, they want someone who can relate to the students.

“Ziggy the Buzzard has a strong connection with the students. It’s like he sits perched somewhere and observes them all day long or something.” the trustee said. “Libby seemed too fascinated with the grass and the trees. She didn’t seem that interested in getting to know our students.”

The candidates all are still in the current faculty positions and do not want it known that they are seeking a higher office at a competing university.

While the final decision has not been made yet, one trustee member has come out supporting the buzzard.

“I’ve been around long enough to know what this campus needs. This buzzard will be the best president we’ve ever seen.”

Ziggy plans on banning all fireworks on campus, adding mandatory ornithology classes for all majors, and erecting a statue of himself in the middle of A Quad.

The buzzard himself was unavailable for content because he does not trust the media of any kind. He views them all as lying pigs.