Sunday, January 5, 2014

Deer will now be students

Hey. Here's a satire piece I submitted to the Bullsheet on November 9, 2013. Enjoy! 


The university announced yesterday that in order to relieve racial tensions on campus and to promote diversity, deer will now be admitted to the campus.

“What better way to teach students to value diversity than to have diversity of species within the classroom?” said Denison’s president.

The university is the first of its kind to take such dramatic steps, but they are confident that it will be successful.

This decision came partly because of financial reasons.

“The deer have been freeloading on this campus for too long. It’s time they pay tuition like everyone else,” said an administrator eating Halloween candy.

The deer will be paying the full $50,000 semester tuition that includes food and lodging. The office of financial aid said that some deer will be given merit scholarship but only if they demonstrate, “exceptional academic promise.”

To accommodate the new students in the dorms, deer-doors will be installed over the summer in Shep and Shorney. Huffman and Curtis will also be offering tofu grass, organic twigs, and gluten-free grain for the deer.

Students have long complained that the campus was not diverse enough so the administration hopes that this decision to blend humans with animals within the classroom will once and for all end the debate.

The administration is emphasizing to students that any hazing of the deer will not be tolerated.

"They be grazing, not hazing, let's be amazing" rapped one administrator.

The deer are excited to gain the respect of students and begin a rigorous schedule as a full-time student.

“I’m going to have to cutdown on my time standing in the middle of the road so I can really prioritize my environmental studies readings,” said one deer. The deer was seen shopping at J.Crew in order to prepare to blend in with fellow students. “Now, I’ll finally be able to swipe into Slayter instead of charging in there,” said the deer in an exclusive interview.

Students have mixed emotions about their new classmates.

“I don’t like the deer. They are too annoying. I don’t know how much more of their deer drivel I can take,” said a sophomore from Hawaii.

“This is great news. Now we’ll have more students available to attend fake protests,” said a student wearing Ugg boots in November.

To help integrate the deer onto campus, they will have their own unique Deer-O pre-pre orientation starting tomorrow followed by a pre-orientation beginning a week before classes start in the spring and then a formal orientation a month after classes start.